We require basic things to live; food, water, shelter and oxygen.  But in addition to these basic needs, healthy attachment must to be added to the list of human necessities.  Without healthy attachments, we can develop symptoms such as physical illnesses, stress, anxiety and depression.

What is healthy attachment?  Healthy attachment can be seen from the moment a child is born.  A   mother holding her new born baby illustrates the concept of healthy attachment.    The newborn is completely accepted by his mother and feels secure in her arms. 

Many of us minimize the importance of having secure healthy attachments when we are adults.  Those of us who have not had strong healthy attachments to our parents may find it difficult to have healthy relationships, but certainly this doesn't mean that it is not impossible for strong attachments to occur.  To better understand the concept and how it impacts us, we must look at what happens to us when we do not feel emotionally safe in relationships.

We react to fear in many different ways.  In ancient Rome, gladiators were put into the coliseum to fight animals or other gladiators as a form of entertainment.  What will a gladiator do when confronted with extreme fear?   His brain releases the stress hormone, cortisol, and he must immediately react.  One gladiator may fight, another may cover his head, another may freeze or even try to run out of the coliseum.  What do you do in relationships when you do not feel emotionally safe?  Do you shut down?  Do you run away?  Do you defend yourself?  Do you fight? 

When trying to improve an unsafe relationship, it is important to understand our triggers that help to protect ourselves.   When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I was a slob and that after I baked; she found cookie dough on the ceiling.  Presently, cookie dough may be present on the ceiling of my kitchen or you may find French fries between the seats in my car.  When my husband cleaned my car in the past, he usually made comments about my Diet Coke stained floor mats in my car.  I would react, usually by shutting down, sometimes by defending myself.  I would blame the mess on the kids or make up some other excuse.  I felt judged by him and I didn't feel emotionally safe.  I thought to myself,  I am not a slob; I am a person who cares less about the interior of cars and more about things that I deemed to be important. 

My husband gets me now, although it took him awhile.  Not long ago I backed his car into a wall and made huge gouges in the bumper.  I told him that I would fix it myself in order to save money.  I went to the auto parts store and purchased a metal grinder, varying grades of sand paper, a big tube of Bondo, some primer and some silver spray paint.  His bumper looks really good from about fifty feet away, but at close range, it doesn't look that great.  He doesn't want to have it professionally fixed because he says that it reminds him of me.  He understands me and allows me to be who I am and that creates emotional safety in our relationship.  I have also learned to respect and understand him.  He likes to keep things in good condition and so I try really hard to hit less curbs while I am driving and I have put a  mini trash can in the car to keep it clean and  tidy.

Those of us who experience emotionally safe relationships understand one another and allow mistakes to occur.  When trying to improve your own relationships, look at the patterns that are occurring.  What are your triggers?  Once you have identified your triggers and understand what makes you fearful, you can work on forming healthy attachments in your relationships.