Want to Improve Your Relationship? Make Friends With Your Partner
It's the beginning of a new year, and many people are resolving to make changes in their relationships. Relationship changes can be much more difficult than individual changes, because there are obviously more variables: you, and the other person in your relationship. Additionally, these variables are dynamic, and sensitive to feedback, which results in interactions that loop back-and-forth, reinforcing patterns either positively or negatively. Over time, partners in a dysfunctional relationship system can become sensitized to the negative patterns, and start to expect more of the same. This leads to even more negative feelings, and a downward spiral of disappointment, anger, helplessness, loneliness, and hopelessness. Unwinding those patterns can feel confusing and overwhelming.
The next question then is, where exactly are you supposed to start? For answers to that question, let's look at what is known about successful couples. John Gottman, Ph.D., is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. One interesting finding in his research has to do with positive affect in relationships. ("Affect" is a psychological term that refers to an observable expression of emotion.) In Gottman's work, positive affect refers to such expressions as interest, validation, affection, humor, and excitement/joy. Negative expressions include stonewalling, defensiveness, anger, criticism, sadness, fear and contempt. Gottman's longitudinal study of newlyweds found that positive affect during a conflict discussion was the single best predictor of both stability and happiness over a 6-year period. Stable, happy couples had a ratio of positive to negative affect towards their partners during conflict of 5-to-1, while conflictual, unhappy couples had a ratio of 0.8-to-1.
Gottman notes, however, that while this information is interesting, it is in fact, hard to apply clinically. It is not very effective for a therapist to simply tell a couple in conflict to be more positive. In fact, another study actually tried to do this: the researchers asked unhappily married couples to fake that they were happily married for the camera. What they found, unsurprisingly, was that these couples were not successful at faking. Their negative affect seeped into their interactions, and were clearly observable despite their attempts to appear otherwise.
So, how do you increase the positive affect in your relationship? Gottman's research found that the single most effective intervention for couples in distress was strategies to improve the couple's friendship. The second most effective intervention was strategies to manage conflict in the relationship. When these interventions were combined, a synergistic effect took place that increased the likelihood of creating a feedback loop that pulled the couple into more positive cycles.
Here are some questions to ask yourself in assessing your friendship with your partner: How much do you know about your partner's likes and dislikes? Do you know your partner's dreams and hopes for the future? What do you like about your partner? What are the ways you have fun together? Do you have a strong physical connection with your partner? Your answers to these questions will give you an idea of the state of your friendship with your partner. For couples in severe distress, the friendship may have eroded to such a degree that there is a lack of desire to even rekindle it, or a sense of hopelessness that such a rekindling is even possible. If this is the case, work needs to begin by exploring what attracted you to your partner in the beginning, figuring out what caused--and maintains--the negative spiral, and healing those injuries to the relationship so that a basis for friendship can be reconstructed. Therapy can be helpful in this complex work.
For more information about John Gottman's work, you can check out his website: http://www.gottman.com or pick up a copy of his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
The next question then is, where exactly are you supposed to start? For answers to that question, let's look at what is known about successful couples. John Gottman, Ph.D., is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. One interesting finding in his research has to do with positive affect in relationships. ("Affect" is a psychological term that refers to an observable expression of emotion.) In Gottman's work, positive affect refers to such expressions as interest, validation, affection, humor, and excitement/joy. Negative expressions include stonewalling, defensiveness, anger, criticism, sadness, fear and contempt. Gottman's longitudinal study of newlyweds found that positive affect during a conflict discussion was the single best predictor of both stability and happiness over a 6-year period. Stable, happy couples had a ratio of positive to negative affect towards their partners during conflict of 5-to-1, while conflictual, unhappy couples had a ratio of 0.8-to-1.
Gottman notes, however, that while this information is interesting, it is in fact, hard to apply clinically. It is not very effective for a therapist to simply tell a couple in conflict to be more positive. In fact, another study actually tried to do this: the researchers asked unhappily married couples to fake that they were happily married for the camera. What they found, unsurprisingly, was that these couples were not successful at faking. Their negative affect seeped into their interactions, and were clearly observable despite their attempts to appear otherwise.
So, how do you increase the positive affect in your relationship? Gottman's research found that the single most effective intervention for couples in distress was strategies to improve the couple's friendship. The second most effective intervention was strategies to manage conflict in the relationship. When these interventions were combined, a synergistic effect took place that increased the likelihood of creating a feedback loop that pulled the couple into more positive cycles.
Here are some questions to ask yourself in assessing your friendship with your partner: How much do you know about your partner's likes and dislikes? Do you know your partner's dreams and hopes for the future? What do you like about your partner? What are the ways you have fun together? Do you have a strong physical connection with your partner? Your answers to these questions will give you an idea of the state of your friendship with your partner. For couples in severe distress, the friendship may have eroded to such a degree that there is a lack of desire to even rekindle it, or a sense of hopelessness that such a rekindling is even possible. If this is the case, work needs to begin by exploring what attracted you to your partner in the beginning, figuring out what caused--and maintains--the negative spiral, and healing those injuries to the relationship so that a basis for friendship can be reconstructed. Therapy can be helpful in this complex work.
For more information about John Gottman's work, you can check out his website: http://www.gottman.com or pick up a copy of his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Posted by Rhonda Thomson at 1/6/2010 3:19 PM 
Categories: Rhonda Thomson, Marriage, Couples
Tags: Relationships Couples
Categories: Rhonda Thomson, Marriage, Couples
Tags: Relationships Couples
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