We require basic things to live; food, water, shelter and oxygen.But in addition to these basic needs, healthy attachment must to be added to the list of human necessities.Without healthy attachments, we can develop symptoms such as physical illnesses, stress, anxiety and depression.
What is healthy attachment?Healthy attachment can be seen from the moment a child is born.A mother holding her new born baby illustrates the concept of healthy attachment. The newborn is completely accepted by his mother and feels secure in her arms.
Many of us minimize the importance of having secure healthy attachments when we are adults.Those of us who have not had strong healthy attachments to our parents may find it difficult to have healthy relationships, but certainly this doesn't mean that it is not impossible for strong attachments to occur.To better understand the concept and how it impacts us, we must look at what happens to us when we do not feel emotionally safe in relationships.
We react to fear in many different ways.In ancient Rome, gladiators were put into the coliseum to fight animals or other gladiators as a form of entertainment.What will a gladiator do when confronted with extreme fear? His brain releases the stress hormone, cortisol, and he must immediately react.One gladiator may fight, another may cover his head, another may freeze or even try to run out of the coliseum.What do you do in relationships when you do not feel emotionally safe?Do you shut down?Do you run away?Do you defend yourself?Do you fight?
When trying to improve an unsafe relationship, it is important to understand our triggers that help to protect ourselves.When I was a teenager, my mother told me that I was a slob and that after I baked; she found cookie dough on the ceiling.Presently, cookie dough may be present on the ceiling of my kitchen or you may find French fries between the seats in my car.When my husband cleaned my car in the past, he usually made comments about my Diet Coke stained floor mats in my car.I would react, usually by shutting down, sometimes by defending myself.I would blame the mess on the kids or make up some other excuse.I felt judged by him and I didn't feel emotionally safe.I thought to myself, I am not a slob; I am a person who cares less about the interior of cars and more about things that I deemed to be important.
My husband gets me now, although it took him awhile.Not long ago I backed his car into a wall and made huge gouges in the bumper.I told him that I would fix it myself in order to save money.I went to the auto parts store and purchased a metal grinder, varying grades of sand paper, a big tube of Bondo, some primer and some silver spray paint.His bumper looks really good from about fifty feet away, but at close range, it doesn't look that great.He doesn't want to have it professionally fixed because he says that it reminds him of me. He understands me and allows me to be who I am and that creates emotional safety in our relationship. I have also learned to respect and understand him.He likes to keep things in good condition and so I try really hard to hit less curbs while I am driving and I have put amini trash can in the car to keep it clean andtidy.
Those of us who experience emotionally safe relationships understand one another and allow mistakes to occur.When trying to improve your own relationships, look at the patterns that are occurring.What are your triggers?Once you have identified your triggers and understand what makes you fearful, you can work on forming healthy attachments in your relationships.
I recently made myself a bowl of oatmeal. It was the steel-cut variety, which is deliciously chewy, but also requires that I cook it on the stove and add my own salt and sugar. What I have discovered about salt and sugar, at least in relation to the perfect oatmeal, is that one of these ingredients is remarkably more forgiving than the other. I usually add a pinch of salt while I'm cooking the oatmeal, then top it in the bowl with brown sugar, chopped nuts, dried fruit, and a splash of milk. If I add a teaspoon of sugar, it's pretty much perfect. If I add two, it's a sweet treat. If I don't add sugar, the nuts, fruit and milk do an adequate job of providing that hint of sweetness. I have a lot of latitude with the sugar. But the salt is another story.
On this particular occasion I added what I thought was a reasonable dash of salt. It turned out to be wildly generous. In fact, it was inedible. No amount of extra milk or sugar could drown the salt. Ironically, I was overcompensating for the oatmeal I made a few days earlier that was lacking in salt. It had that flat taste that draws attention to itself by dragging down all the other flavors in its absence. Salt is the one ingredient that needs to be in perfect balance. Too much salt is the obnoxious character at the party, but too little, and you don't have a party at all.
We usually seek people in relationships who balance us out in some way. When I work with people in therapy I often look for patterns of relating that have to do with balance: pursuer/distancer, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, rational/emotional, blaming/placating, serious/playful, driven/relaxed, orderly/chaotic, and many more. Even in relationships where each person has a similar trait--such as a desire for order--one person will typically emerge as more orderly, and the other less so. Over time, these mirroring roles that initially offered balance can become heavy and entrenched, and what once felt like dynamic balance feels more like wild swings of the pendulum. Or too much salt.
Lately, I've taken to measuring my salt when I make oatmeal. It forces me to be conscious of what I want rather than reacting to what I didn't get the last time and overcompensating. The same principle can work in relationships. Consider the pursuer/distancer dynamic. It is typical for a person to want to pursue a partner who is distancing, but this usually results in more distancing in reaction to the pursuit. Instead of trying to overcompensate, think about what would truly bring balance in the relationship, and then define your position. This might mean challenging yourself to move out of a familiar pattern, and you may have to experiment to get the balance just right. Ultimately, focusing on thoughtfully positioning yourself rather than reacting to your partner will result in a relationship that is just right.
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
--Robert Anthony
This concept gives you an opportunity to change and allows you to have power to make your life better.However, the concept of self-responsibility can frequently be a challenge to carry out. Oftentimes, individuals would rather believe that if only the other person would change, then there life would be better.The challenges in your life are usually intermingled with relationship issues.Therefore, it is important to recognize that all participants in relationships can contribute to problems.
Here are a few guidelines to follow when it is necessary for change to occur and you are ready to take on the freedom of self-responsibility.
Do not attempt to change anyone else because this will only lead to further frustration and disappointment.Instead,focus on how you can make a positive change in the relationship.When others see the change, they can choose to ignore it or act on it.For example,if you choose to forgive and show kindness to someone who has been less than friendly to you in the past, that person will recognize your actions.In most cases, people respond positively to individual change, especially when it is sincere.
Another guideline in embracing self-responsibility is that when faced with a problem or a conflict, before blaming someone else or stating that the situation is not fair, take an honest self-evaluation.Begin by asking yourself how you might have contributed to the problem or conflict.Self-evaluation can be accomplished by putting yourself into the other person’s shoes.Empathy can be a very effective way to take the blame off of someone else.If you are having difficulty being objective, ask a close friend or a spouse what role you may have played in the conflict.However, be prepared for an honest response if you ask an honest question. Once you have evaluated the situation, make the changes in yourself and take self-responsibility first before addressing the conflict with the other person.
Lastly, lower your expectations of others or of situations.This is the process of accepting that some things will never change and that life as you know it will never be fair. In other words, accept how thing sare, rather than how things should be. Remember that some things are out of your control and therefore are not your responsibility.Defining self-responsibility takes time and experience, but in the long run, it will give you peace and joy.
It's the beginning of a new year, and many people are resolving to make changes in their relationships. Relationship changes can be much more difficult than individual changes, because there are obviously more variables: you, and the other person in your relationship. Additionally, these variables are dynamic, and sensitive to feedback, which results in interactions that loop back-and-forth, reinforcing patterns either positively or negatively. Over time, partners in a dysfunctional relationship system can become sensitized to the negative patterns, and start to expect more of the same. This leads to even more negative feelings, and a downward spiral of disappointment, anger, helplessness, loneliness, and hopelessness. Unwinding those patterns can feel confusing and overwhelming.
The next question then is, where exactly are you supposed to start? For answers to that question, let's look at what is known about successful couples. John Gottman, Ph.D., is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction. One interesting finding in his research has to do with positive affect in relationships. ("Affect" is a psychological term that refers to an observable expression of emotion.) In Gottman's work, positive affect refers to such expressions as interest, validation, affection, humor, and excitement/joy. Negative expressions include stonewalling, defensiveness, anger, criticism, sadness, fear and contempt. Gottman's longitudinal study of newlyweds found that positive affect during a conflict discussion was the single best predictor of both stability and happiness over a 6-year period. Stable, happy couples had a ratio of positive to negative affect towards their partners during conflict of 5-to-1, while conflictual, unhappy couples had a ratio of 0.8-to-1.
Gottman notes, however, that while this information is interesting, it is in fact, hard to apply clinically. It is not very effective for a therapist to simply tell a couple in conflict to be more positive. In fact, another study actually tried to do this: the researchers asked unhappily married couples to fake that they were happily married for the camera. What they found, unsurprisingly, was that these couples were not successful at faking. Their negative affect seeped into their interactions, and were clearly observable despite their attempts to appear otherwise.
So, how do you increase the positive affect in your relationship? Gottman's research found that the single most effective intervention for couples in distress was strategies to improve the couple's friendship. The second most effective intervention was strategies to manage conflict in the relationship. When these interventions were combined, a synergistic effect took place that increased the likelihood of creating a feedback loop that pulled the couple into more positive cycles.
Here are some questions to ask yourself in assessing your friendship with your partner: How much do you know about your partner's likes and dislikes? Do you know your partner's dreams and hopes for the future? What do you like about your partner? What are the ways you have fun together? Do you have a strong physical connection with your partner? Your answers to these questions will give you an idea of the state of your friendship with your partner. For couples in severe distress, the friendship may have eroded to such a degree that there is a lack of desire to even rekindle it, or a sense of hopelessness that such a rekindling is even possible. If this is the case, work needs to begin by exploring what attracted you to your partner in the beginning, figuring out what caused--and maintains--the negative spiral, and healing those injuries to the relationship so that a basis for friendship can be reconstructed. Therapy can be helpful in this complex work.
For more information about John Gottman's work, you can check out his website: http://www.gottman.com or pick up a copy of his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt you were without hope? Sometimes difficulties and disappointments in life can lead us to a place where we feel that nothing will ever be better. Nothing will ever change. We allow ourselves to give into despair. The act of giving up hope is really giving up on life.
One of my favorite movies, "The Shawshank Redemption," speaks eloquently to the idea of hope. The story is about Andy, who is serving two life sentences after being wrongly convicted for the murder of his wife and her lover. And while there are few situations that would seem as hopeless as this, Andy ultimately finds freedom by refusing to abandon hope. Along the way, his friend and fellow inmate, Red, (who narrates the story) finds his own ideas about hope transformed.
In the following excerpt, Andy and Red have a conversation about music that reveals each character's views about hope:
Andy: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music? Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here. Andy: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget. Red: Forget? Andy: That there are things in this world not carved out of gray stone. That there's a small place inside of us they can never lock away, and that place is called hope. Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
It can be tempting to view hope as dangerous, especially in the face of severe and unrelenting disappointment. But it is in the most trying circumstances of our lives that hope makes the most sense. In fact, it can be the difference between living life, or passing time waiting for death. Later in the story, Andy eloquently makes this point. Andy and Red talk about where they would go if they were free. Andy talks about his dream to live out the rest of his days in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. "You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?" Andy asks Red, "They say it has no memory." I think this idea holds a key to the mystery of hope. We are most capable of hope when we allow ourselves to let go of the memory of disappointment. This can be difficult, but it is worth the effort. The vast Pacific Ocean is a beautiful metaphor for a state of being that has no memory. If we can learn to let our lives be washed clean of the hurts and disappointments that imprison us, we can open ourselves to hope, and with that hope comes the promise of freedom.
Later in the conversation about Mexico, Red gets frustrated with Andy, and tells him to give up his pipe dream. "Mexico's down there, and you're in here, and that's the way it is!" says Red. Andy responds, "You're right. It's down there, and I'm in here. I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying." And that's what Andy does. He uses a small rock hammer to tunnel through the walls of the prison, and eventually he finds his way to freedom.
Some time after Andy's escape, Red is granted parole. He struggles with freedom, and even considers violating his parole so that he will be able to go back to the structure of prison. But then he goes to a field that Andy told him to visit if he ever found himself on the outside. There, buried in a box he finds a postcard that gives him a clue as to Andy's whereabouts, and a letter. At the end of the letter Andy writes, "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." There is another lesson. If Andy is right, then hope resides in all of us. It doesn't die, even when it is hidden from our consciousness. Even when it is buried in our despair. If we can let go of our hurt and disappointment for even a moment, we can allow ourselves to hope again. We just have to remember that hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.
Red decides to follow his friend, and embrace hope. As he rides a bus to the border, he narrates, "I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." That is the experience that hope brings us. The anticipation of a journey. A journey to a place that is fresh with possibility. I hope you find that peaceful place without memory of disappointment. I hope you get busy living. I hope.
Choice. We all want to feel like we have choices when it comes to our lives. When we lack choices, we feel out of control, and as though we are victims of circumstance. But how much control do we really have over our lives? Aren't there some things that "just happen?" Aren't there things that we have no control over, and must simply endure? The short answer is yes, but there is an important caveat. We may not have control over every circumstance in our lives, but we always have control over how we respond. Here's a simple example of how this can work. Suppose your family is making plans for a camping trip in the mountains, and everyone is excited. Everyone, that is, except for you. Unfortunately, your idea of a cottage by the beach wasn't adventurous enough, and you were outvoted. So now, as you drag the tent out of the garage and sort through the camping equipment, you tell yourself how much you hate the smell of bug spray, and how you won't get a single night of sleep. You think about the primitive bathroom facilities, and the dusty hiking. As this goes on, you feel more and more helpless. Your mood is apparent to the rest of your family, and perhaps someone feels a little bit sorry for you, and says, apologetically, "I'm glad we're going camping, even though I know it's not your favorite." At this point, perhaps you feel a twinge of guilt. You don't want to take away from your family's enjoyment of the trip, so you decide to tell yourself--and your family--something new about camping. "I'm glad we're going camping, too, because it is something YOU love, and I like to share things with you that you enjoy." And this is true. You tell yourself, "I am modeling flexibility and graciousness when I go along without sulking." And this is also true. You tell yourself, "I choose to go camping." And this, perhaps, is the most important part. Because, no matter whether you like camping or not, you choose it, and when you choose it, you are not a victim of circumstance. You are participating in your own life, with power. Become aware of how you exercise the power of choice in your life. Notice any patterns that emerge. Not all problems are as simplistic as whether or not you like to camp. Maybe you've been hurt in a relationship. Maybe you're grieving the death of a loved one. Maybe you're struggling with a chronic illness. Maybe you've lost your job. Whatever the problem, examine any part of the situation that feels out of control. Then, see if you can find some small area of choice that you have in it. Find a way to anchor you choice to your core values, and then focus on that. Try using the phrase "I choose," as a jumping-off place for figuring out what you are going to do in difficult circumstances. Connecting with your power of choice can be a bridge to a solution, or at least a more peaceful place.
Mantras are a great way to focus the power of language in your life. The word "mantra" comes from Hinduism and literally means "sacred utterance." It has also evolved to mean a commonly repeated word or phrase. And in this usage, it can be synonymous with a proverb, moral, maxim, motto, or saying. But the great thing about a mantra is its ability to anchor you to a larger value. In our family, "Go with the Flow" is a particularly useful mantra. My kids and I talk about the meaning of this phrase, and come up with pictures in our minds of what it looks like to "Go with the Flow." It can be a feather floating in the wind, or a twig floating down a river, or a piece of seaweed swaying in the ocean currents. Some circumstances call for a fight. Sometimes, you have to marshal all your strength and battle to the end. But other times, swimming against the current is pointless. It wastes energy that could be more effectively directed somewhere else. So, when one of us is battling a strong current that could just as easily propel us peacefully along our path, it's time to repeat our mantra: "Go with the Flow." This not only gets us unstuck, but it reinforces a family value of flexibility. My mantras change, depending on the circumstances of my life, but I always choose them thoughtfully. Remember that negative language is just as powerful at anchoring beliefs, and the consequences are far reaching. In fact, the language we use literally shapes our experience of life!
My dad had many sayings that he was fond of repeating when I was a kid, such as, "you can't see the forest for the trees," which taught me to consider the big picture and not get lost in the details of whatever I was doing, and "don't look a gift horse in the mouth," which taught me to be unconditionally appreciative for whatever I was given. There are so many sources of wisdom that can anchor us to our values. All of the major religious traditions have wisdom literature. Folk wisdom, favorite quotes, and family sayings are also great sources. Alcoholics Anonymous and the other 12 Step Programs use slogans such as "One Day at a Time" and "Easy Does It" to help members stay focued on the difficult work of recovery. While it may appear cliche' on the surface, a mantra, carefully chosen and mindfully practiced, can be one of the easiest and most effective spiritual disciplines available to influence the course of your life for the better.
"The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last year." --John Foster Dulles
This quote had the most profound effect on me from the moment I read it. It challenged me to examine my life and really get to the bottom line about a particularly long-standing situation that was keeping me from living my best life. Once I acknowledged the problem, I resolved that it would not be plaguing me in a year's time. After I set that deadline, I was able to look at the situation differently. I could see the ways in which I allowed the problem to remain unchallenged and unchanged. And, most importantly, I could no longer simply complain. If I wanted to resolve the problem, I would have to act.
The first step to resolving a problem is defining it. We are blessed with brilliant films, books, plays, and art to help illustrate how others have tackled their problems. In the film "American Beauty," the characters Lester and Carolyn Burnham have existed for many years in a life that is essentially a facade. The couple in the film appears to have an ideal life; and though the reality is that their lives are emotionally empty, they continue to keep up appearances for friends, colleagues and neighbors. Lester has adopted a passive stance in his marriage, allowing his wife to define the details of their life together. This becomes increasingly painful for him, and finally Lester says to Carolyn, "I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist." It can be incredibly difficult to step out of your comfort zone and challenge the status quo in this way, but it is the first step towards change. One scene shows Lester sitting on the couch drinking a beer. This is a calculated decision on Lester's part, as he knows how much it will upset Carolyn. As expected, Carolyn walks in and says, "This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch." Lester shouts, "It's just a couch!" In this situation, Lester deliberately acts in a way that requires Carolyn to acknowledge his existence, which directly confronts his problem.
Many of us are procrastinators. We have great intentions for tomorrow, but all too often tomorrow never comes. In Lester's life, events transpire in such a way that the time he has to experience his newfound insight is tragically short. At what point in life do you decide the status of your soul is more important than keeping the status quo?
Don't wait until next year to solve your problems. Try this action plan. Define your problem and vow that next year at this time, you won't have this same problem. Work backwards from where you want to be in order to determine the steps necessary for change. Then, start working your plan. If you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, remember to focus on one step at a time. Schedule your step, whether it is an honest conversation, a letter to be written, a phone call to be made, or a simple "I love you" said to someone who needs to hear it. Life is now, and there is no better time than today to uncover your problem so that next year, things will be different.
There is a metaphorical land where many of us live. It is the Land of Try. Now, 'try' is one loaded word. Try can mean many things to many people. For some, try can mean, "I'll never change, but I will keep using the word 'try' just to get you to leave me alone." Try can also mean, "I want to change this, but not if I'm required to do anything hard." It can mean, "I am going to attempt to do something different, but I can still fall back on the fact that I only said I would try."
How many of us try our whole lives to complete a task or to break a bad habit. We are always trying, but do we accomplish our goals? Some things we often say are, "I am going to try to exercise or I am going to try and eat more healthfully." "I am going to try to be more loving," or, "I am going to try to stop yelling at my spouse and kids." Those statements do not sound that convincing. The Land of Try is a safe place to live, because nothing really has to change and we don't need to take any risks. We never have to be afraid, because the Land of Try is so familiar, and requires so little. Our metaphorical Land of Try is located on the shore of a deceptively peaceful lake. The Lake of Complacency. The surface is smooth, but underneath, there is turmoil. Complacency and Try go hand in hand. Complacency is simply a state of mind that tells us to be satisfied with the way things are, even though our heart tells us we are in danger of compromising our values. Complacency dwells in many marriages. I hear people tell me they are not happy in their marriage, but at the very least, they are still married. I hear so often, "I really don't love my spouse, but I need to stay in this marriage for the kids." Some might think that after the kids are grown, they will leave the marriage and start living their life. Others might think, "well, I have stayed in this less than fulfilling marriage this long, I might as well just stick it out until one of us passes on." But what does this attitude teach children, if they are involved? What kind of value does it place on life? These same people could decide to work on the marriage. What if they made it better for themselves and their spouse and kids by raising their expectations instead of lowering them? What if they decided to live in harmony with their values, whether they stayed in a marriage or ended it? Life is happening now. This moment matters. Basically to live in complacency can be simplified as waiting for the end of time, but life is a journey, not a destination.
How do we leave the Land of Try? How do we stop swimming in the Lake of Complacency? Simply put, swim to shore. Dry off. Take the first step and walk out of the Land of Try. What we sometimes forget is that we have the strength this requires. We have the gift of life and the freedom to choose. Our mind is a powerful tool that we can learn to use effectively. We can begin requiring integrity in ourselves, not just making half-hearted attempts at it.
We cannot change by trying; we can only change by fully committing to changing our actions, and then acting on that commitment. If your marriage is less than wonderful, require more, and follow up with action. If you are unhappy, then find out why and use the resources of your body and mind to discover joy in your life. Your life matters today. The first step is to believe it. And then, live it.
One of the biggest obstacles I have found to happiness in life is an attitude of judgment. It separates us from others, and fosters a general feeling of dissatisfaction with life. More than 10 years ago, I began a personal quest to eliminate an overdeveloped attitude of judgment from my life. I started with my sister, whom I discovered had felt criticized by me for most of our lives. I apologized for judging her, and we decided together to banish judgment from our lives for a year! We talked nearly everyday, and every time one or the other of us began to judge a person or a circumstance, we challenged ourselves to pull back the judgment and try to not only accept the thing we were tempted to judge, but also understand it, and even have sympathy for it.
This became a pivotal discipline for us, and it changed our lives, and our relationship with each other. True intimacy in a relationship is only possible when there is no judgment. And after a solid year of active practice, we found that our perception of life was more positive, and surprisingly, we didn't feel nearly so affected when others judged us. It was as though our unwillingness to participate in judgment made us immune to the judgment of others. I now notice that when I begin to feel judged by someone else, it is a flag for me to take stock of anything I am currently judging. I should note that I'm not talking about discernment, which is a form of judgment that offers insight. I'm strictly referring to the negative aspects of judgment that are only interested in comparing how I am somehow superior to this or that. While I do not claim to be free of ever judging anyone or anything, to this day it is one of my most important spiritual disciplines, and I offer the idea to you for thought as you explore what it means to live well.